He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize