There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
