i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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