the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize