My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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