I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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