i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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