I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
