I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
