I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
