hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
