So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize