sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
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