Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize