So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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