My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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