We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
