I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
