I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize