shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
