Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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