why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
