First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
