Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
