i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
