I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
