it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
