i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize