Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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