So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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