I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Randomize
