she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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