dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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