At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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