I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
