if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
