if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
As shirtless as possible
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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