I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
