There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My dick has a subreddit
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
