Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
