Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
