ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
