I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
