so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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