Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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