Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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