Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
