i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize