I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
