he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
