she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The ass gains better be worth it
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