Your mouth is God's brothel.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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