just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
