Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
