Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize