my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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