Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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