Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
