Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
